Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"Goldeneye" and an ER Adventure!
I learned a handful of interesting things last weekend:
1.) Putting your toddler on the dryer in "time out"--because she wickedly shoved her brother and copped some serious, smart-mouthy attitude to her McPapa--is a VERY BAD idea because she's likely to fall off and bite completely through her bottom lip in the process. One look at that nasty gash and you'll know you are in trouble. One drive to the Intermountain Medical Center and you'll know you are in Dante's seventh circle of hell...or rather, the ER.
2.) The real ER is nothing like the ER you see on TV. It is NOT "Grey's Anatomy" in there. It is a circus. It is the freak show. It is more like that "Ripley's Believe It Or Not" program that showcases a man removing and then reinserting his eyeball. It's terrifying.
3.) You can hear all sorts of things while sitting in an ER exam room that has a curtain for a door. You hear a woman hacking up her lung in such a frightening way it leads you to believe she's dying. You hear a chorus of squeaky Croc shoes on a sterile-white tile floor, as doctors, nurses, and paramedics zip up and down the halls. You hear a man puking, and find yourself "going to a happy place" by singing, "Give Said the Little Stream." You hear snippets of doctor-patient conversations regarding CAT Scans and meningitis and migraines. You hear a man insisting he be checked in under an alias because his ex has been stalking him since 2008. What you DO NOT want to hear is, "All available ER doctors to Trauma Bay 4, STAT," because that means it doesn't matter that you've waited three hours for the gorgeous doctor who looks like Anderson Cooper to come stitch up your daughter's lip--you'll wait another two.
4.) If you have to spend five hours in the ER, you'd better hope to heaven you get put in an exam room that has a spiffy flat screen TV mounted to the wall. That way, when doctors are responding to multiple life threatening traumas (and when your toddler has fallen asleep in your arms), you can channel surf. If you're lucky (and if you have a hubby who's in charge of the remote control), you'll catch "Goldeneye" at 1:00am. And who would want to miss out on witty quips by a British Casanova super spy? Like when that disturbing, deranged woman, Xenia Onatopp, says to James Bond, "You don't need the gun," and he says, "Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex"....classic. (And don't even get me started on how much I enjoy when Dimitri Mishkin, the defense minister, and James Bond are arguing in an interrogation room and the Russian babe, Natalya, says, "Oh, stop it! Stop it, both of you! You're like boys with toys!" It's my favorite line to quote, in my best Russian accent. Modestly put, I nail it. It gives me the giggles every time. And yes, you CAN giggle in the ER at one o'clock in the morning...who knew?!)
5.) When your sweet baby girl--after being laid out on a board, and bound with giant Velcro straps to resemble a mummy or a papoose--cries and cries for you to help her and to take her home, you'll discover you are more brave than you thought you were. You'll hold her hand and tell her it will be alright, in spite of all the bleeding and the swelling and the needle moving in and out of her lip. You'll promise her popsicles and chocolate ice cream--rewards for her bravery. You'll stand by her side the whole time, even though the experience is probably one hundred times more awful for you than it is for her. You won't cry; you're a mama soldier. You'll prove to yourself how courageous you really are.
Bond? Bond who? 007's got nothin' on you!!