Thursday, October 27, 2011

Because It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Ta-tas.  Boobies.  "The girls."  Whatever you want to call them, people, I'm here to tell you that I don't really have them.  My boobs seem to be lacking in...girth?  Volume?  Stature? 

Don't get me wrong, before I had kids I had boobs.  Granted, they weren't huge...just nice and perky.  During my pregnancies, something marvelous happened to "the girls."  They plumped right up and filled out nicely.  For a brief time, I was curvaceous!  (This is a VERY BIG DEAL for a girl who resembles a praying mantis.)  It was uncanny, unheard of!  It sort of made up for the raging heart burn and the "pain in the ass" constipation that pregnancy induced.  (And you bet that pun was intended!) 


After my babies were born--and after discovering I was unable to nurse them--my ta-tas decided to retire from their "milk maid trade" and become magicians.  They pulled a "David Copperfield" trick and disappeared.  Poof!  Just like that.

Sometimes I find myself yearning for bigger boobies.  (Remember that one post about the man in Staples??  HE THOUGHT I WAS A DUDE!)  I'm not prepared to embark on any kind of "surgical enhancement" (too scared--I mean, I've been known to hyperventilate while having my teeth cleaned), and I'm still coming to terms with the fact that  my boobs are non-existent--diminished, wilted, gone,  poof!  So in the meantime...I rock a padded bra.

I recently went bra shopping with my mom.  Twenty years ago, that would have been as embarrassing as the time my "fourth grade self" farted in front of the boy I had a crush on while standing in the school lunch line.  Now, bra shopping with my mom is pretty tame...and mostly fun.

Her "Perfect Brassiere for Leish" radar must have been tuned to ULTRA PADDED, because as we wandered through the racks (hee hee...racks) of "intimate apparel," she honed in on the most padded bra in all of creation.  There it was--in the midst of all the lace and leopard print, the demi-cups and push-ups--two pillows attached by an elastic band.  She held it up for me and giggled:  "What about this one, Leish?"

"I know you're showing that one to me to be funny, Mom," I laughed, "but it's actually perfect.  Hand it over and I'll try it on."

Guess which one I bought? 

Shortly after the bra shopping excursion, I was cleaning the toilet of our guest bathroom (blech!) when Lilly appeared in the doorway; panicked and out of breath.  "Mom, Mom!," she said, "Come quick!  It's Camren!"

I threw down the Lysol Toliet Bowl Cleaner and sprang to my slipper-clad feet.  I felt my heart flip and flop in my chest as I thought about what could be wrong.  "He's finally managed to shove an entire stick of string cheese into his mouth, and now he's choking to death," I thought.  Has he gotten tangled up in the blinds?  (Oddly, he loves to play in them.)  Has he tripped and banged his noggin?

"Follow me, Mom," Lilly shouted, as we raced into my bedroom.  She pointed to the floor--to where Cam was sitting with his toy cars--and screamed, "LOOK!  CAMREN'S GOT YOUR BOOBS ON HIS HEAD!!"

I looked at my grinning, beautiful, brown-eyed baby boy--with my padded bra draped across the top of his head in such a fashion as to resemble ear muffs--and thought two things:

1.) He looks like Princess Leia.


2.) Lilly is right.  Indeed, those are my boobs on his head.

Here's the thing:  It doesn't matter what you call them--ta-tas, boobies, or "the girls."  And it doesn't matter what size you are--big, just right, or itty-bitty.  (Or so itty-bitty your bra is ULTRA PADDED.)  What matters is that you take care of them; valuing your body and taking a proactive stance on women's health issues.  Check yourself.  Visit your doctor regularly.  Your physical well-being is important.  YOU are important.

May the force be with you...and your breast-a-roos!

17 comments:

  1. You are so funny!!! I adore you so much...I loved this post and I pictured it all in my head too. Could there have been a slight resemblence there of your son looking like an air traffic controller in the control tower wearing a headset? I, on the other hand, have realised the power of gravity. Thankyou.

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  2. If I could share mine, I would totally choose you to share mine with. My cups runneth over...literally.

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  3. Ha ha. Sad disappearing act, isn't it? Even my son figured out the padded bra trick when he was three and I was getting dressed. "That for your boobies? That to make them look bigger?"

    Here's the thing I like about the non-existent status of my post-child breasts: I can be any size. If I'm wearing a button up shirt, I just wear a lined bra and my shirt isn't gaping open to the world. If I'm wearing a sweater I can pile on the padding. It's perfect---until I'm naked, then it's sad again :)

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  4. aleisha, seriously i'm dying laughing!! HAHAHAHAHA you have a gift!!
    i don't know what to comment on first...
    i totally (NOT LYING, accidentally typed titally...not lying...hey, the i is next to the o) remember your "staples post!" :)
    you are beautiful, big boobies or small. i don't love my tatters either...they look like they've been through the war and i haven't even had kids yet. my mom has tiny girls and wears those "chicken cutlet thingies." tonight, we actually stood in the mirror and compared ours (not naked or anything haha)
    i sing the song "do your boobs hang low? do they wobble to and fro?" MINE DO! :)
    that clip from "the proposal" is so funny!! you just made me go on youtube and look up my favorite scene from that movie. the one with that amazing lil' white fluffinator pup, when the bird swoops him away HAHAHA i'm such a dork. i cry/laugh at that scene!
    your children are adorable...i love reading of all your adventures!! i see many more in your future...you're one blessed mama!
    wishing you a happy, titillating (hardy har har)
    weekend!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
    tacohead <3

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  5. ha princess lea compared with boobs. only you, my friend, only you.... :)

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  6. We are rowing the same boat, sister. I had heard on tv once that there is a bra company that makes nearly A bras, or AA as they were called. So I went to Penny's to find one of these. I asked the bra expert if they had any bras slightly smaller than an A. She told me to go look in the little girl's section. I did not buy a bra from her.

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  7. can someone please send me over to that david copperfield so i can get rid of the huge watermelons i got after my kids? LOL!!!

    ask maria, mine practically knock over strangers! they are so gross, and i just wish they would go away!

    i love that scene in that movie when betty white says "it's like an easter egg hunt" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAAHAHAHA!

    i used to pray for big montanas, and now i pray for bee stings! LOL!!!!

    my gosh, well you are so funny, and i think you look great - and not like a GUY at all! that person in staples is freaking STUPID!

    i think it's so HILARIOUS your son got a hold of your brand new slingshot! LOL!!!

    you crack me up! i hope you have a great weekend! and why don't you message me david copperfield's number. :)

    xoxoxoxoox
    kelly

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  8. Ha ha ha ha! HOW DID I MISS THIS POST?! I am cracking up! My girls have completely disappeared since having kids also . . . thank goodness for the padded bra! So SO funny! :)

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  9. I wish you'd have posted a pic! :D I guess you're way too nice for that.
    Entertaining blog. I'm following you now. You're a fun writer and your family is beautiful.

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  10. so precious and funny! hahaha

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  11. Popping in through the Tues Archive Link-Up. Speaking as someone who hasn't been able to go braless since I was 11, I guess ta tas are one of those grass is always greener things ... Now that I'm in my 40s, they're just a pain in the neck - something to get in my way (yup, they're that big!). When I was younger, they were an obstruction to my fashion sense. Soooo many things you can't wear. At least if your girls are on the small side, you can give them a boost. I think even if I duct taped myself it still wouldn't have helped. And getting a mammogram?!? I don't know which would be worse ... having itty bitty titties that were hard to squish between the plates or having huge ones that had to be repeatedly squished to make sure they could see everywhere. If I had the extra $ I would seriously consider a reduction and would gladly donate my surplus if that was ever possible. ;)

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  12. My youngest daughter is all about the boobs right now. She just cant stop staring at the way her body is changing. She's waited 12 1/2 years for these suckers to appear and they are so far not disappointing!

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  13. This was a cute breast awareness post. I've had my boobies since the 3rd grade so I can't even really remember going without a bra. I enjoyed your writing. And that scene from The Proposal is one of my favorites.

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  14. Tehehe what a great way to remind people to rock the doc (visit that is) when it comes to their health. ;)

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  15. Gotta love those padded bras. I had the opposite problem. Before I had kids, my boobs were WAY too big for my body, but after kids, it was like that movie "Honey I Shrunk The Kids". Yep, they shrunk to normal size and I can rock a padded bra now instead of an industrial strength boulder holder.

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  16. Enjoyed this post tremendously. Just discovered your blog thru the Tuesday Archive link. Will definitely be checking in frequently.

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  17. I love that you brought so much fun and humor to a serious issue. Great job (and reminder!!)!

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