Friday, November 18, 2011

What IS Victoria's Secret?


I went to Victoria's Secret today.

With the kiddos.  And my bulky-ass stroller.  I even had a Diet Coke in the stroller's convenient cup holder.  I put some red lipstick on, wrapped myself up in my sassy, zebra print scarf, and walked right on into that store.  With my little head held high.

Cam started screaming and pulling brasseries off of tables.  (He kept going for the holiday "jingle bell" bras because they were...noisy?)  Lilly started doing the "potty dance" while continuously asking, "What are we doing in HERE?"  She would follow up her inquiry with a snappy retort of:  "This store is weird."

Good grief.

"I told you, Lil," I said with a sigh, "Mama needs to get a gift for Danelle."  (Side note:  My "cute as a button" little brother is tying the knot a week before Christmas.  I adore his sweetheart, Danelle!  I'm taking a road trip over the weekend to attend a bridal shower for her, my "soon to be" sister-in-law.  Hence my excursion to purchase something "va va voom.")

Well, today I learned a valuable lesson:  Don't even bother taking your little children into that store.  Even if you're armed with Diet Coke.  Somewhere between the lacy panties and the bustiers, my baby boy went berserk.  He kicked his legs, swung his arms, and started grunting and snorting like a wild hog.  (But I've never met a real wild hog.)  Ms. Lilly thought this was hysterical, and commenced shrieking and laughing like a dolphin--high-pitched, chirpy, and LOUD.  She quickly discovered that the more she poked Camren, the louder HE got.  Truly, it was an all-out fiasco.  A couple of annoyed patrons glanced my way with a scowl as I rubbed my aching temples.  I could think of only one thing:  Victoria's "secret" is birth control.

I made my selection and draped it across the stroller's "canopy."  (Which Cam was trying to RIP OFF!)  I zigged and zagged around hot pink nighties and polka dot slippers, finally making my way to the register.  Lilly tugged at my pantleg, eager for my attention.

"Mom?  Mom?  Are you going to get something for you?"

I was tired.  I was ready to leave.  In a weak moment of utter frustration and exhaustion, I muttered, "Nope.  Nothing for me.  Having kids has killed my sexy."

The real kick in the hip-huggin' yoga pants with the word, "PINK," on the butt is this:  My "mutter" wasn't as quiet as I thought.  When I looked up I saw three employees staring AND giggling at me.  I felt my cheeks flush a hue of red.  A warmth signifying embarrassment crept up my neck.  The gentleman behind me cleared his throat.  All I could do was smile.

Anyone know how I can get my sexy back?

15 comments:

  1. oh....that....is......my........life.......


    5 kids - still haven't got my sexy back....*sigh*

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  2. Oh. MY. GOSH!!! No! I just barely got your message and saw this on Facebook . . . ahhhh! I am so sorry that you had to go with your kids!! I feel so bad, but I am seriously cracking up! Lilly's comments are KILLING me! Ha ha ha! This is exactly how it would have been had I taken my kids with me.
    Anyway, I am super excited to see what you got! :)
    Love ya! See you tomorrow!

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  3. So funny! Although I'm sure it didn't seem like it, I hope you can laugh about it now!
    I have a gift card to VS that my mom got me for Christmas...last year!
    I still haven't used it...I'm also waiting for my sexy to come back. Currently, my sexy consists of wearing my hair down--woooooo!

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  4. I am a new Follower of your Blog from the Super Stalker Sunday Blog Hop. Congratulations on being chosen as the featured Blog. This post made me smile. Your children created quite a bit of excitement. I would have been entertained seeing them. Take care and I hope you and your family enjoy the rest of the weekend.
    Judy - JUDY H-J'S THOUGHTS

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  5. I feel just about the same way. Lately I get my mother to go shopping with me at Target so I can even look for a new bra. My son is coming of that 20 questions age. I gave up on sexy, looking for new unders is hard enough.

    Stopping in from the Super Stalker Sunday Blog Hop :)
    http://libertybellessalvation.blogspot.com/

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  6. HAHAHAHA OH NO!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaha!

    you know what, i don't blame you or the rowdy kiddos. i blame victoria's secret for having such a NON KID FRIENDLY store! LOL! i mean, i guess that is the intention.....to keep people like you and i out of there with our wild child children :) hahaha! nothing worse than bumping and grinding your stroller through the tiny passage ways, your kids behaving like wild octopus pulling everything off of the tables (conveniently at little people arm reach level). hahahaha! i have so.been.there!!! i feel for you!

    and you totally have your sexy! please! and you have your bravery for marching right in there with your red lipstick and sassy scarf! GO YOU! hey, at least we are so brave, right?

    thanks for the laugh! you crack me up! and i think your kids are PERFECTLY NORMAL! hahahahaha!

    xoxoxoxo

    ~ Kelly

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  7. ohhhh aleisha, you are SO BRINGING SEXY BACK!! "those other boys don't know how to act! i think it's special what's behind your back!!" hahahahahaha! I DO!! I DO!!
    lemme guess...was camren wearing an array of *jingle boobs on his head*?? hahaha awwww so sweet of you to pick out something fun for your soon to be sil!!
    i've always wanted to wear a pair of those pants with "pink" across the bootayyy. but stretched across this badunkadunk, it would look more like *pppiiiinnnnkkkkkkk* :)
    love your posts! always!!!
    sending lots of love and a giant diet coke!!
    xoxoxox
    tacohead <3

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  8. I found your blog via Alyson Peterson. But I'll be following now because of Super Stalker Sunday.
    I have a similar story. My 2 year old son was running through the racks of underwears and lingerie, hiding in them. My 4 year old daughter was yelling, "Ooooh, look, Mommy! That dress is just my size! It's perfect for me!" And,yes, I realized it was her size (in length, not bust).

    The girl at checkout looked like she felt sorry for me and I told her that nobody needs VS more than a woman married for 7 years with two children like mine. I haven't been back with my children though and that was a year and a half ago!

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  9. Hahaha this is too funny that I am reading about you getting your sexy back when I have also been looking for mine lol
    I have never been to a Victoria's Secret store, 10 undies for $10 is more my thang lol.
    I imagine the wild hog snorting and screaming from little Cam will change to somewhat different sounds in that store when he's older lol

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  10. heehee! When my oldest was 3ish, I was in La Senza and trying to get a bra. I had grabbed a green one to try on and was holding it while browsing. I didn't even notice it leave my hand until I noticed my child running around the store with the cup over his head, calling himself 'Shrek' :)

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  11. LOL I'm sorry it didn't go so great, but this is hilarious. Thanks for linking up to New Year, New Followers!

    http://firefly-chasing.blogspot.com

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  12. Thanks for linking up to the New Year Hop!

    I only have one kiddo who is 10 months old. Both the hubs and I live in sweatpants. I swear we are going to be on People of WalMart one of these days.

    I have made it a point to try to "get my swagga back" as I call it. I stick on some lipstick, try to get my hair done regularly and bought some new boots.

    Just stick some lipstick on everyday and strut around like you own the place.

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  13. Just started following you. And I'm with your kid, that store is weird.

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  14. thanks for linking up on my blog hop!
    this makes me laugh. i remember my mom taking us into VS when we were little and my brother would go nuts too. and im pretty sure my mom was also armed with diet coke!

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  15. So happy to be following from the New Year New Followers Blog Hop! I hope to see you around the bloggie world sometime soon:)

    http://elizakprints.blogspot.com/

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I LOVE hearing from you! Thanks for making my day brighter with your comments! I mean it. (Now go have yourself a Diet Coke!)