Friday, May 8, 2015

Keep It As Spicy As A Wheelbarrow!

While cleaning out some drawers, I found an informative pamphlet on marriage and how to keep your relationship with your spouse strong and healthy.


Captivatingly, the most common thread woven through all the advice was physical affection. Which is to say, all these smart doctors and psychologists and therapists agree that couples should be holding hands and kissing and hugging and touching and necking and snogging, oh my! And they should be doing it more than they do. To maintain connection. To keep things as spicy as a habanero. (Which autocorrect desperately wants to change to "wheelbarrow.")

Being one to think and think and then think some more on things, I thought (ha ha) about that pamphlet, and about my own relationship with my skinny Irish dreamboat. 

What have I learned about intimacy in my eleven (almost twelve) years of wedded bliss? What advice would I give to the romantically stagnant? I reached for the notebook on my bedside table and began to compile a list. Here's what I know:

Do: Doll yourself up! And mamas, by "doll yourself up," I mean, "shower." HA HA!  Case in point, a conversation I had with The Hubs recently:   

Me: When was the last time we...um...you know?

James: When was the last time you washed your hair?

Me, grumbling: Well played, Beavis, well played. 

Wash your hair, shave your legs, use deodorant, spritz on some perfume, apply a flavored lip balm, powder your nose. Do whatever you need to do to feel clean (baby barf on sweatpants might be a libido buster) and pretty. (Because you are pretty, duh!) Do it for yourself first, to feel good about yourself. Foreplay may follow!   

Don't: Don't use Nair. Don't use Nair here or there. Don't use Nair down there. Don't use Nair anywhere. (In an attempt to "bring sexy back.") Trust me on this one -- It ain't a good idea.

Do: Wear lingerie! In one of the most disturbing moments of my life (okay, maybe I exaggerate), someone very close to me -- who shall remain nameless -- gave me a bit of premarital advice. She said, "Never forget that a man loves it when a woman wears lingerie." In response to that little nugget of wisdom I said, simply, "Eeeeew, Mom!"

Do: Do "park." (You know...park.) Did you know that a mayor of a small Italian town dedicated parking spaces at a train station for kissing couples? It was done in an effort to reduce road congestion. A survey discovered that couples' passionate farewells at the train station was one of the biggest causes of traffic jams! (Isn't that fantastic?) Now the "Park and Kiss" lane allows travelers up to fifteen minutes for their steamy goodbyes. Moral of the story: Do as the Italians do!

And speaking of parking...  

Don't: Don't "park" in stupid places. After a dinner date one evening, James and I went to our car that was parked in a parking garage. (A stupid place.) We pondered briefly on what to do next...

Me: We could sit here and "park." You know...make out?

James: That's a great idea, except...

Me: What?!

James: I forgot to get parking validation and every minute spent in this place is expensive. 

Do: Love each other. Take care of each other. Compliment each other every day. Laugh. Be silly. Make kissing and hugging a part of your "hellos" and "goodbyes." Daily.

And remember to throw out the Nair!
(You're welcome.)

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